BLOG POST 190

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 190

Missed participating in a Books A Million review because I was visiting a family member in an ICU. The relative was not expected to pull through, but has since recovered. Many fascinating observations from the San Diego (SD) hospital visits – the hospital charged for parking; the SD freeway system plugs up solidly at rush hour.  The vast majority of drivers obey the speed limits, while a minority roar by, around, and through the speed limit observers at great speed. I ate a quick lunch at a Costco near the hospital; a 16 inch hot dog (or Polish) and drink cost only $1.65, and one didn’t have to be a member to purchase the meal.

I also attempted to visit an older brother in Westminster, CA – the site of Little Saigon and an old Vietnamese friend’s coffee shop. Unfortunately my brother and I couldn’t seem to find each other. I ate at the shop – Le Croissant D’Ore. It has great cappuccino, served Vietnamese style, and great croissants.  Vast displays in the community were in Vietnamese, despite several generations of naturalization. Almost every shop displayed flags of the fallen Republic of (South) Vietnam.

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 196; total word count inched down to 98.9 K, and percent increased to  89.9 percent.

BAM 25 April 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Less confusing than previous - thanks

2.      Great imagery; great action – thanks

3.      Still confused about who good guys are – working

4.      What are turrets – the movable part of a tank’s top, with cannon

5.      Wanted to see, feel more gore – disagree; not likely in a tank battle

6.      Asked if identified Israeli Colonel was Saudi or Israeli – as written, and briefed

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good action, really, really good – thanks

3.      Poem doesn’t work, as this isn’t a suicide attack – disagree; It might be

4.      Suggested removing one of Colonel Ubaidi’s inner thoughts – disagree; serves to imply something is afoot

BAM member –

1.      Liked the indentation of paragraphs - thanks

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

3.      Baffled by use of Charge of the Light Brigade, felt it interrupts the narrative – disagree

4.      Make the distribution of the ‘found ammo’ slower – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Well written, good action and flow – thanks

2.      Use of poem slowed reading, didn’t fit – disagree; working

3.      Liked imagery of tethered camels – thanks

4.      Liked imagery of talcum sand – thanks

5.      Moves quickly - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Had problem with use of poem, is it running in someone’s mind – good idea, working

3.      Confused about who are good vs bad guys – thanks; my intention

4.      Liked imagery of talcum sand – thanks

5.       

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Liked use of poem, but put in italics  - thanks; working

3.      Shorten sentence with ‘tethered camel’ – working

4.      Liked ‘talcum sand’ imagery  - thanks

5.      Think about collapsing several characters into one – disagree; too many now

6.      So much easier to follow with indentation of paragraphs - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

1.      Good narrative and characters – thanks

2.      Loved use of Charge of the Light Brigade - thanks

3.      Felt he was in the TOC listening to reports of combat - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Too many ‘sciency’ words, too great a use of military terms – IT’S A WAR!

2.      Easier to read, but felt clunky

3.      Not sure who was whom– read and absorb. I briefed before reading. 

BAM (new) member –

       1.  Improved compared to previous segment – thanks

       2.  Liked action - thanks 

BLOG POST 188

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 188

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 204; total word count inched down to 101.9 K, and percent increased t0 84.3 percent.

BAM 04 April 2016 critique comments

Process:  After reviewing each participant written and verbal suggestions, I decide whether to accept and modify the draft to agree with their ideas. Alternately, I may disagree, in which case I note my reasons.

I found it difficult to develop useful substitutes for word “drone.” UAV, unmanned aircraft and low flying aircraft were suggested.

Double spacing will restrict my ability to get segments reviewed and meet a production timetable. Will experiment with spacing.

This critique session was not pleasant. Suggestions were particularly focused on use of too much technical detail, and too many characters – thus confusing readers. Changes have been made; I hope they suffice.

BAM member (new member) –

1.      Liked imagery of “dark mass falling to earth” – thanks

2.      Urged caution with POV shifts – agree, working

3.      Reduce technical detail – agree; working

4.      Change “summary” to scenes - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Reduce usage of grumble/grumbling – agree, working

3.      Watch for potential change of POV – agree; working

4.      Technical jargon dragged – agree; working

5.      Story clear, could follow - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Indent paragraphs and dialogue – no; I already set the format long ago

2.      Asked what gawa is – Arabic, cardamom flavored coffee. Described earlier in novel.

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

4.      Clarify speakers in dialogue – agree, working

5.      Concentrate on smaller number of characters – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Please double space – agree, working

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Good dialogue – thanks

4.      Very good description of radio dispatches – thanks

5.      LOL - Liked sentence about character missing “muster on the day brains were passed out” - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Overall good – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Suggested use of “unmanned aircraft and low flying aircraft” for drone – working

4.      Liked imagery of “dark mass falling to earth” – thanks

5.      Found “Swear words filled the control room” – agree, working

6.      Usage of “drone” multiple times not a problem

7.      Double space - working

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Indent – no; I already set the format long ago

3.      Too technically written – disagree, but will soften

BAM member –

1.      Good addition to book – thanks

2.      Interesting window into war scenario - thanks

3.      Technical description slows the story – agree, working

4.      Radio communications too abstract for civilian reader – working

5.      Narrative slows reader - working

6.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Great narrative, liked technical detail - thanks

2.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      Double space, set spacing between paragraphs to zero – working

2.      Indent – no; I already set the format long ago

3.      No written comments

BLOG POST 189

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 189

Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 202; total word count inched down to 101.3 K, and percent increased to  87.7 percent.

RWG monthly meeting, the Fourteenth Larry Turner Celebration of Poetry, hosted Stan Galloway as guest speaker. His poems were riveting, and they were accentuated by his personable, dramatic energy.

BAM 11 April 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Tank battle absolutely powerful, interesting - thanks

2.      Excellent imagery – thanks

3.      Loved description of Lieutenant Harbi – thanks

4.      Loved the imagery of Colonel Ubaidi’s pre-battle pep talk – thanks

5.      Identify more clearly who is being killed – agree, working

6.      Loved use of quote from Charge of the Light Brigade - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree; working

2.      Good addition, liked interplay – thanks

3.      Story moves along well – thanks

4.      Depiction of static on radios needs to be trimmed – agree; working

5.      Stefano’s inner dialogue about seeing Kill symbols on helos “a bit too much” – disagree; shows his Intel gathering eye

6.      Questioned significance of ‘814’ – it’s the Battalion identity of Ubaidi’s tank unit

BAM member –

1.      Indent paragraphs and dialogue – disagree; I set the format long ago

2.      Questioned inclusion of poetic section – authors’ choice

3.      Minor editorial suggestions – agreed with most, working

4.      Felt it out of character to include quote from Charge of the Light Brigade – disagree; provides perfect symbolism for the tank battle

5.      Questioned how Stefano’s tent was different – it was banished, stuck away from action

6.      Eliminate cliché – “bad penny’ – agree, working

7.      Questioned whether Colonel Ubaidi could inspire Lt Harbi – No he couldn’t. Harbi is a Wahabi zealot and bears uncanny resemblance to one I had to deal with.

8.      Questioned what terrain is suitable for tank attack – open ground, with few natural choke points

9.      Questioned where the rumble occurred – in the distance.

10.  Thought helos ‘clashing with their missiles unclear’ – disagree; air to air combat between helos

11.  Depiction of static on radios too difficult on reader – agree; working

BAM member –

1.      Pages 1 and 2 have POV shifts – disagree; in separate paragraphs

2.      Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

3.      Lots of great energy – thanks

4.      Liked radio dialogue –

5.      At times was not sure who was whom – working

6.      Suggested re-sequence of ‘bad penny’ – working

7.      Suggested removal of italics signifying Stefano’s inner thoughts about seeing Kill symbols on helos – disagree; it is something he knows, but the colonel is not aware of, thus making a decision based on incorrect assumptions

8.      Great images, but unclear as to which side – thanks (sorta)

9.      Unclear what ‘transmitted’ meant – tactical use of radio circuits

BAM member –

1.      Pages 1 and 2 have POV shifts – disagree; in separate paragraphs

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree, working

3.      Identify speakers – working

4.      Battle – ominous, but description long – thanks

5.      Use words not numerals at start of sentence – agree; working

6.      The sands were ominous - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree with most; working

2.      Fight scenes good, but too much description of weapons and explosions – disagree; it’s war. Will soften

3.      Thought reference to putting Harbi by a latrine funny – thanks

4.      Felt there was too much technical detail – disagree; genre need, but working to simplify

5.      POV shifts distracting - disagree; in separate paragraphs

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – disagreed with most; working

2.      A good work - thanks

3.      Too technically written – disagree, but will soften

4.      Watch dialogue tags – agree; working

BAM member (new member) –

       1.  Lost in the technical detail