BLOG POST 183

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 183

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 213; total word count went down to to 100.8 K, and percent remained at 75.0 percent.

BAM 22 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Best description you’ve written, Great!  – thanks

2.      Good job, liked ‘red faced’ description - thanks

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Liked description of glass breaking beneath boot – thanks

5.      Thought mention of ‘replacement aircraft’ unclear – disagree, previously addressed

6.      Suggested enhancing description of Nevatim base damage - agree

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree

2.      (Your) writing getting better – thanks

3.      Liked your female character Rebeka - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Good detail of what is going on, detailed descriptions –thanks

2.      Should you refer to War of 1973 (Yom Kippur) vice 1967 – disagree; Tooley and Moshe confronted each other then

3.      Questioned mention of Syrians – they previously declared neutrality, and their aid is needed to ferry replacement planes to Israel

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree

5.      Good piece, effects very vivid – thanks

6.      Identify attribution when people speak – agree, working

7.      Thought it would be inhumane to give arms to both sides – agree, but that’s what we do

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Lots of action and detail – thanks

3.      Questioned why Israelis stood down their nuclear alert – because of Saudi assurances of no use of ballistic missiles

4.      Questioned why POTUS would talk of ‘constraining’ Israel – because they started the war by unprovoked attack on Saudi AWACS, and US does not want nuclear war

5.      Liked description of Rebeka’s emotions at destruction – thanks

6.      Questioned why US would be concerned about Syrians and Turks – because their aid needed to ferry replacement planes to Israel

BAM member –

1.      Your best story telling so far – thanks

2.      Would like to see more mention of US actions – disagree; US must remain as observer

3.      Thought references to media were too ‘cavalier’ – disagree; appropriate for this segment as providers of alternate source of tactical situation

4.      Questioned who owned the AWACS mentioned – Saudi Arabia, as previously mentioned

BAM member –

1.      Liked story and situation - thanks

2.      Suggested ‘fleshing’ out the characters – agree, working

3.      Questioned who Rebeka was – she is civilian rescue team member, shown in segment

4.      Suggested hyphenating nuclear capable – disagree; standard military usage

5.      Questioned Rebeka saying she’d throw up when she got a chance – disagree; intended subtle use of gallows humor

6.      Questioned whether replacement aircraft would be flown ’directly’ to Israel – no, would be ferried through Europe/NATO bases. Will clarify

7.      Questioned vague reference to ‘constrain Israel’ – intent was to be vague, build suspense

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Written well – thanks

3.      Liked imagery of video telecast – thanks

4.      Questioned whether NSC meeting with POTUS was on news, or on radio – neither, meeting in which Israeli PM calls President Ellington for support

5.      Can’t connect to characters, but writing is good - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Asked if should have brought character Stefano, a journalist here – no, coming later

2.      Suggested show source of info to President, NSC members – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Good detail, liked handling of Rebeka – thanks

5.      Thought story timeframe was before social media – cell phones in use in summer 2005 setting of story

BAM member –

1.      Lots of action  – thanks

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree

3.      Suggested change ‘victims’ to ‘survivors’ – agree

4.      Suggested spell out First Lieutenant at first use – agree

5.      Describe, or remove, reference to ‘profanity’ on face – agree

6.      Would like to see abbreviations spelled out – disagree; done in previous segments

7.      Liked description of NSC meeting with POTUS in which PM Geblar calls – thanks

8.      Liked description of keeping Syria out of the action, and Israel having bad choices - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Descriptions and action good – thanks

2.      Visuals incredible - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Very interesting story , gives perspective on world affairs – thanks

3.      Feels like I’m in a TOC - thanks

BLOG POST 182

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 182

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 217; total word count went up to to 101 K, and percent remained at 75.0 percent.

RWG meeting guest speaker was Mary Coffman-Burke, published author and editor, photographer, and web designer, who has a great sense of humor.  Her best work is … Wait! I’m not trained for this. Confessions of a stay at home mom.

Finished a re-read of Tom Clancy’s Red Storm Rising.

RWG 13 February 2016 critique comments

RWG member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Fine story, good use of humor - thanks

3.      Use Cabinet members’ names, not acronyms (PM, DM) for positions – agree

4.      Good flow – thanks

5.      Doesn’t like use of alphabet soup nomenclatures – genre requires

6.      Had no trouble following - thanks

RWG member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree

2.      Great attention getter, great dialogue – thanks

3.      Felt like I was in scene with characters – thanks

4.      Felt the tension, and humor – thanks

5.      Liked opening, details of story – thanks

6.      Unclear how the ‘yet’ statement fit – was a reference, tension getter, to previous statement of Saudi assurance period

RWG member –

1.      Very interesting, great dialogue  – agree

2.      Suggested show source of info to President, NSC members – agree, working

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Have NSC members stand when President enters – agree, working

5.      Suggested show how knowledge of no ballistic missile launch was provided – agree, working   

6.      Suggested showing eyes moving to look at President as he entered WHSR – agree, working

RWG member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – disagree and agree

2.      Very good, great dialogue - thanks

BLOG POST 181

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 181

Process – Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went down to 216; total word count down to 100 K, and percent went up to 75.0 percent.

BAM 08 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Need to describe a missile impact (or multiple) – agree, coming soon

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree

3.      Suggesting changes to part of specialist’s description of magnitude of missile launches – agree, working

4.      Suggested adding name of attack operation (Hatkafa) to TV broadcast – disagree; it would be Classified

5.      Suggesting moving paragraph about DM’s resignation – agree, working

6.      Questioned inclusion and meaning of “taking every precaution” – was new DM’s way of asserting his control, but will rework wording

7.      Questioned how they knew results of missile attack on Hatzerim Air Base – earlier paragraph stated base Deputy Commander called on cell phone

8.      Covered a lot of ground, but too much detail; flowed well

9.      Liked targeting of air bases as an interesting twist - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Questioned how they knew results of missile attack on Hatzerim Air Base – earlier paragraph stated base Deputy Commander called on cell phone

2.      Good simile about having a death wish – thanks

3.      This segment skips between too many scenes, was confusing – disagree; story requires multiple sets of characters and their interactions

4.      Several places where the writing was good – thanks

5.      Liked sarcasm of PM saying nice things about outgoing DM – thanks

6.      Liked simile of tension shown by biting down to ignore pain elsewhere in body – thanks

7.      Questioned why DM Kibbutzim wouldn’t know targets of missile attacks – disagree; new DM was trying to assert control right away; working to reword

8.      Liked ending about threat of nuclear alert - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Minor editorial changes – agree

2.      Suggested soft pedal the mention of replacing DM – disagree; part of showing tension within Israeli Cabinet

3.      Suggested showing time lapse between missile launches and impact – disagree; previous segment stated missiles planned to impact at same time, with 55 minute flights

4.      Use Cabinet members’ names, not acronyms (PM, DM) for positions – agree

5.      Suggested adding a sentence like – “At this rate in 24 hours we will have no Air Force to protect our cities.” – agree, working

6.      This segment one of better ones - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Incredible detail – thanks

2.      Change 01:00 to read 0100 - agree

3.      Minor editorial changes – agree

4.      Good tension and threat of nuclear attack – thanks

5.      Questioned how they knew results of missile attack on Hatzerim Air Base – earlier paragraph stated base Deputy Commander called on cell phone

BAM member –

1.      Away for two weeks, lost and could not find way into story – sorry, fast moving plot

2.      Very interesting dialogue  – agree

3.      Liked paragraph on citizens reaction to planes leaving, but not returning - thanks

4.      Minor editorial changes – agree

5.      Questioned where PM and his aide came from – my imagination and unfolding story

6.      Questioned what Hatkafa was – Classified operation to take out Saudi AWACS; identified in previous weeks

7.      Questioned PM, DM – Prime Minister and Defense Minister - identified in previous weeks

8.      Liked description of actions to protect air bases and major headquarters – thanks

9.      Reduce overuse of “aircraft” – agree, working

BAM member –

1.      Loved last line about nuclear alert – thanks

2.      First section, on dialogue between NORAD and NMCC was best

3.      No written comments

BLOG POST 180

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 180

Process –  Progress as determined by page count, word count and percent stands as follows: total page count went up to 217; total word count down to 99.7 K, and percent went down to 73.0 percent.

Met a Local Author in the Lobby at Salem Church branch of CRRL. I found it unusual that she had her book for sale, but the poster advertising her book used a photo of her husband.

On the glitter that is so distracting … Bought a total of $12.00 worth of POWERBALL lottery tickets, hoping for some portion of the 1.5 billion dollar payout … since the stock market has been tanking recently. No joy! (That’s Navy slang for no success.)

BAM 01 February 2016 critique comments

BAM member –

1.      Good, better, but lacks real connection to these other people – agree, they’re throwaway characters

2.      Minor editorial changes – agree and disagree.

3.      Yeah! Tooley’s back, pulls me in - thanks

BAM member –

1.       Minor editorial changes – agree, working

2.      Glad to see Israelis there - thanks

3.      Use of terminology makes it hard to read – disagree, required by genre

4.      Nicely done, a lot more comprehensive - thanks

BAM member –

1.      Questioned relevance of hours to thirty minutes – agree, working

2.      Questioned reason for WEAPONS TIGHT – given, sub-munitions fell on village

3.      Good description of geo-political setting, but neutral view (no good or bad guys identified) – thanks, that’s what I was hoping to portray

BAM member –

1.      Better to read – thanks

2.      Commentary more interesting as dialogue – thanks, working

3.      No written comments

BAM member –

1.      First section on missile launch preps too long, detailed - agree, working 

2.      Suggested changing canopy to ??? – agree, to cockpit

BAM member –

1.      Good, action packed - thanks

2.      Questioned reason for WEAPONS TIGHT – given, sub-munitions fell on village

3.      Anxious to see about what happens with CNN - thanks