Blog post 122

Another segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued by offspring in anticipation of a Monday Books-A-Million meeting and critique of the revised segment.

Review comments:

Improve blunt lead in – agree, in process

Various editorial, sentence changes – agree, in process

Reduce use of ellipses – agree, in process

Improve dialogue (now is one sided monologue) – agree, in process

Delete superfluous descriptions – agree, in process

Add context to statement about robbers getting hands chopped off – disagree, in process

Increase complexity of characters – agree, in process

Improve description of ships as feminine – agree, in process

Describe various looks (confusion, emotion, smile) – agree, in process

Don’t use knight in shining armor – undecided, in process

Decrease use of passive verbs – agree, in process

Delete “You’re my first date in …” – agree, in process

Improve transitions, lead-ins – agree, in process

Use contractions in speech – agree, in process

Current page count is 121, while word count is 61K. Numerous hand written notes need to be converted to word documents for insertion.