Blog 54 posting

Editorial critiques chapters 12,13  23 Sep

Liven it up! – in process

Add better scene descriptions - as the plane landed …blah, blah, blah (something

            Happened, i.e. looked out windows, spotted friend in aisle seat, etc, etc, etc) – in process

Use longer descriptions of scenes  – in process

(To or with above) – add a question about life, death, friends, wounds …

Don’t narrate, let characters splain the scene and action - – in process

Page 1 -

Put a section in about (Tooley) looking out the window –– in process

Change second sentence – in process

Change sentence about “sliced bread” compared to war –– in process

Describe who the “others” were going to Vung Tau – in process

Describe the advisors, how they looked at each other, their reactions  –– in process

Add accent for the YN3 –– in process

Describe the base at Vung Tau –– in process

Spell out USO –– in process

Change 08:00 to 0800 –– in process

Standardize italics with Vung Tau – in process

Readers like military slang, not jargon – in process

Explain “hooch” – in process

Reduce use of “hooch” – in process

The hot water and shower wasn’t a surprise (only to him) – in process

Accents add interest to characters – in process

Page 2 –

Identify change of characters (speakers) – in process

“Local lore” implies campy chat – in process

Good use of “Naw” – in process

Limit use of “RAG” – in process

Delete use of “military’s ubiquitous Kool Aid” – in process

Suggest stating that (the ferryman’s wire) is thicker than he is – in process

Delete/change “I’ll bet all the answers” – in process

Good use of “Yup, shore is.” – in process

Suggested not labeling sub-chapters – reject

Page 3 -

Only use Tooley’s full name on introduction in process

Try to maintain, expand LT Flaherty’s character – in process

Use FNG, vice spelled out wording – in process

What does “knows his ass” mean – in process

Revise paragraph about his comm. And crypto skills – in process

Why didn’t Tooley respond to the LT - in process

Go more in depth about Ho Chi Minh advancements – in process

Narrator should not use slang – in process

Describe in depth the poster of “toughest mutha in the valley” – in process

Don’t understand us of Daa – Irish term

Page 4 -

Identify who Evan is – reject; done previously

Don’t use communications officer in dialogue – in process

Thought description of rain on roof was Excellent – in process

First paragraph on PUFFs seemed out of place – in process

Change “This is my first Op in country” – in process

Suggest having the VN boatmen looking at the RAG units – in process

Page 5-

Write last sentence about boatmen with more poetry – in process

Change reference to 60’s music as Tooley listening to, thinking about it  – in process

Change “You’re truly strange” – in process

Explain why Tooley has the flashback’ and its function in story – in process

Identify the “another ragger” and “the other JO” to identify and play it up more –

in process

Create and define more characters to tell the narrative info and explain Tooley’s

character  –– in process

General comments –

Use slang with enlisted, (military) jargon for officers  – in process

Use more emotion in high intensity (shooting) scenes - – in process

Add more description, less jargon, more caution – – in process