Editorial critiques chapters 12,13 23 Sep
Liven it up! – in process
Add better scene descriptions - as the plane landed …blah, blah, blah (something
Happened, i.e. looked out windows, spotted friend in aisle seat, etc, etc, etc) – in process
Use longer descriptions of scenes – in process
(To or with above) – add a question about life, death, friends, wounds …
Don’t narrate, let characters splain the scene and action - – in process
Page 1 -
Put a section in about (Tooley) looking out the window –– in process
Change second sentence – in process
Change sentence about “sliced bread” compared to war –– in process
Describe who the “others” were going to Vung Tau – in process
Describe the advisors, how they looked at each other, their reactions –– in process
Add accent for the YN3 –– in process
Describe the base at Vung Tau –– in process
Spell out USO –– in process
Change to 0800 –– in process
Standardize italics with Vung Tau – in process
Readers like military slang, not jargon – in process
Explain “hooch” – in process
Reduce use of “hooch” – in process
The hot water and shower wasn’t a surprise (only to him) – in process
Accents add interest to characters – in process
Page 2 –
Identify change of characters (speakers) – in process
“Local lore” implies campy chat – in process
Good use of “Naw” – in process
Limit use of “RAG” – in process
Delete use of “military’s ubiquitous Kool Aid” – in process
Suggest stating that (the ferryman’s wire) is thicker than he is – in process
Delete/change “I’ll bet all the answers” – in process
Good use of “Yup, shore is.” – in process
Suggested not labeling sub-chapters – reject
Page 3 -
Only use Tooley’s full name on introduction in process
Try to maintain, expand LT Flaherty’s character – in process
Use FNG, vice spelled out wording – in process
What does “knows his ass” mean – in process
Revise paragraph about his comm. And crypto skills – in process
Why didn’t Tooley respond to the LT - in process
Go more in depth about Ho Chi Minh advancements – in process
Narrator should not use slang – in process
Describe in depth the poster of “toughest mutha in the valley” – in process
Don’t understand us of Daa – Irish term
Page 4 -
Identify who Evan is – reject; done previously
Don’t use communications officer in dialogue – in process
Thought description of rain on roof was Excellent – in process
First paragraph on PUFFs seemed out of place – in process
Change “This is my first Op in country” – in process
Suggest having the VN boatmen looking at the RAG units – in process
Page 5-
Write last sentence about boatmen with more poetry – in process
Change reference to 60’s music as Tooley listening to, thinking about it – in process
Change “You’re truly strange” – in process
Explain why Tooley has the flashback’ and its function in story – in process
Identify the “another ragger” and “the other JO” to identify and play it up more –
in process
Create and define more characters to tell the narrative info and explain Tooley’s
character –– in process
General comments –
Use slang with enlisted, (military) jargon for officers – in process
Use more emotion in high intensity (shooting) scenes - – in process
Add more description, less jargon, more caution – – in process
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