Blog 52 posting

Editorial critiques from RWG reading 10 Sep 2011 – on Golden Gate REV I

Critiques are from members of RWG.

I was really surprised that so few RWG members knew of this historical attack on USS Liberty.

Mixed comments were received. However, one RWG member interrupted my reading even before I’d finished the first page. I paused and then continued.

Inputs on ninth revision, see below, are being considered for incorporation.

RWG member (female) –

Don’t use Lieutenant Junior Grade or ranks so often   Reject, has to do with Naval

            Officer promotion timing and story flow

            Eliminate the technical jargon – Reject

            Identify whether characters, and force are US poor Israeli – in process 

            Use of BAR distracting - Reject

RWG member (female) –

            On page 2, do we need to read Tooley’s introspection about what the CO knows –

                        reject – building suspense

            Do we definition of BAR - in process

            Questioned SN Poole saying what he did – corrected

            Questioned what CO said on entering bridge – corrected

            Questioned Tooley’s thoughts about calculating equation – corrected

            Suggested add what Moshe sees from parachute - in process

            Questioned whether term “wuss” used in 1960s – corrected

            Questioned Tooley’s questions about why attacked – reject, speaks to the fog of

                        war and uncertainty

RWG member (male) –

            He liked the story, and asked who my intended audience was (in light of all the

            female criticism of technical terms). I said the same type who read Tom Clancy.

RWG member (female) –

            Said this was potentially a fascinating story -

Noted that the sailors like to swear - no change (she suggested adding examples)

–        in process

She suggested more transition between Marseilles and off Israeli coast –reject

Questioned use of Browning Automatic Rifle (BAR) – corrected

Questioned what CO said on entering bridge – corrected

Questioned rapid change of viewpoints and why Israel would attack an ally –

            Reject

Questioned why crew burning in napalm would struggle – reject

Suggested adding what the Doc did – corrected

Suggested adding the “blue streak” – corrected

Suggested adding details of the extraordinary repair efforts – in process

Suggested changing “or (who understood) killed …” to say “what” - reject

RWG member (female) –

Set the scene, describe all the ship’s surroundings – reject

Add more description, less jargon, more caution – reject

Minor editorial corrections – corrected

Suggested changing Navalese – reject

Suggested adding details of what Moshe saw from parachute – in process

Suggested adding details of Liberty’s Naval messages or Court of Inquiry – in

            Process

Spell out freq(uency) – corrected

           

Take aways –

1)      Female RWG members have lower tolerance for technical terms