Blog 54 posting

Editorial critiques chapters 12,13  23 Sep

Liven it up! – in process

Add better scene descriptions - as the plane landed …blah, blah, blah (something

            Happened, i.e. looked out windows, spotted friend in aisle seat, etc, etc, etc) – in process

Use longer descriptions of scenes  – in process

(To or with above) – add a question about life, death, friends, wounds …

Don’t narrate, let characters splain the scene and action - – in process

Page 1 -

Put a section in about (Tooley) looking out the window –– in process

Change second sentence – in process

Change sentence about “sliced bread” compared to war –– in process

Describe who the “others” were going to Vung Tau – in process

Describe the advisors, how they looked at each other, their reactions  –– in process

Add accent for the YN3 –– in process

Describe the base at Vung Tau –– in process

Spell out USO –– in process

Change 08:00 to 0800 –– in process

Standardize italics with Vung Tau – in process

Readers like military slang, not jargon – in process

Explain “hooch” – in process

Reduce use of “hooch” – in process

The hot water and shower wasn’t a surprise (only to him) – in process

Accents add interest to characters – in process

Page 2 –

Identify change of characters (speakers) – in process

“Local lore” implies campy chat – in process

Good use of “Naw” – in process

Limit use of “RAG” – in process

Delete use of “military’s ubiquitous Kool Aid” – in process

Suggest stating that (the ferryman’s wire) is thicker than he is – in process

Delete/change “I’ll bet all the answers” – in process

Good use of “Yup, shore is.” – in process

Suggested not labeling sub-chapters – reject

Page 3 -

Only use Tooley’s full name on introduction in process

Try to maintain, expand LT Flaherty’s character – in process

Use FNG, vice spelled out wording – in process

What does “knows his ass” mean – in process

Revise paragraph about his comm. And crypto skills – in process

Why didn’t Tooley respond to the LT - in process

Go more in depth about Ho Chi Minh advancements – in process

Narrator should not use slang – in process

Describe in depth the poster of “toughest mutha in the valley” – in process

Don’t understand us of Daa – Irish term

Page 4 -

Identify who Evan is – reject; done previously

Don’t use communications officer in dialogue – in process

Thought description of rain on roof was Excellent – in process

First paragraph on PUFFs seemed out of place – in process

Change “This is my first Op in country” – in process

Suggest having the VN boatmen looking at the RAG units – in process

Page 5-

Write last sentence about boatmen with more poetry – in process

Change reference to 60’s music as Tooley listening to, thinking about it  – in process

Change “You’re truly strange” – in process

Explain why Tooley has the flashback’ and its function in story – in process

Identify the “another ragger” and “the other JO” to identify and play it up more –

in process

Create and define more characters to tell the narrative info and explain Tooley’s

character  –– in process

General comments –

Use slang with enlisted, (military) jargon for officers  – in process

Use more emotion in high intensity (shooting) scenes - – in process

Add more description, less jargon, more caution – – in process

Blog 53 posting

Trim piece for side of double vanity – stained and with a bit of carpentry will be in today.

Turns out Mein Frau remains upset about granite firm work. Give me a break, just because half of the sinks are the wrong color…

Purchased a plain, ten pane interior glass door and have routed out the areas for hinges. First coat of cherry stain is complete and drying. Two or three coats of a chocolate color stain remain to be applied.

Am still avoiding revisions to Chapters 12 through 15 of Golden Gate. That is my task today (or this weekend). I need to purge extraneous characters and action, concentrate on the main characters. One of the main characters is introduced in this segment of the novel.

Well, chapters 12, 13 are revised, while 14 and 15 have been restructured. I had Offspring review chapters 12 and 13 and he has extensive markups, very helpful ones – indeed.

The second coat of stain goes on the bathroom door today, and another section of porch railing gets painted. The granite firm returns today to change out one of the two master bath sinks.

Blog 52 posting

Editorial critiques from RWG reading 10 Sep 2011 – on Golden Gate REV I

Critiques are from members of RWG.

I was really surprised that so few RWG members knew of this historical attack on USS Liberty.

Mixed comments were received. However, one RWG member interrupted my reading even before I’d finished the first page. I paused and then continued.

Inputs on ninth revision, see below, are being considered for incorporation.

RWG member (female) –

Don’t use Lieutenant Junior Grade or ranks so often   Reject, has to do with Naval

            Officer promotion timing and story flow

            Eliminate the technical jargon – Reject

            Identify whether characters, and force are US poor Israeli – in process 

            Use of BAR distracting - Reject

RWG member (female) –

            On page 2, do we need to read Tooley’s introspection about what the CO knows –

                        reject – building suspense

            Do we definition of BAR - in process

            Questioned SN Poole saying what he did – corrected

            Questioned what CO said on entering bridge – corrected

            Questioned Tooley’s thoughts about calculating equation – corrected

            Suggested add what Moshe sees from parachute - in process

            Questioned whether term “wuss” used in 1960s – corrected

            Questioned Tooley’s questions about why attacked – reject, speaks to the fog of

                        war and uncertainty

RWG member (male) –

            He liked the story, and asked who my intended audience was (in light of all the

            female criticism of technical terms). I said the same type who read Tom Clancy.

RWG member (female) –

            Said this was potentially a fascinating story -

Noted that the sailors like to swear - no change (she suggested adding examples)

–        in process

She suggested more transition between Marseilles and off Israeli coast –reject

Questioned use of Browning Automatic Rifle (BAR) – corrected

Questioned what CO said on entering bridge – corrected

Questioned rapid change of viewpoints and why Israel would attack an ally –

            Reject

Questioned why crew burning in napalm would struggle – reject

Suggested adding what the Doc did – corrected

Suggested adding the “blue streak” – corrected

Suggested adding details of the extraordinary repair efforts – in process

Suggested changing “or (who understood) killed …” to say “what” - reject

RWG member (female) –

Set the scene, describe all the ship’s surroundings – reject

Add more description, less jargon, more caution – reject

Minor editorial corrections – corrected

Suggested changing Navalese – reject

Suggested adding details of what Moshe saw from parachute – in process

Suggested adding details of Liberty’s Naval messages or Court of Inquiry – in

            Process

Spell out freq(uency) – corrected

           

Take aways –

1)      Female RWG members have lower tolerance for technical terms

Post number 51

Word count for Chapter 11 increased by about 420 as dialogue was improved.  Trying to prepare for another critique at RWG meeting this Saturday, finish restoration of old PC, and complete master bath renovation tasks. Two other bathroom vanities are being repaired/fixed as well. It’s a busy week at Blackrock!

Well, the week is about done. Mirrors are being hung, paint is being touched up. The end of the tunnel is in sight. But, wait …

One of the newly installed vanities, far from being eggshell or off-white, is white. And several of the backsplashes don’t appear to have been sealed (they lack the sheen of the flat counter tops).

Be that as it may, the County inspector came over and performed the Final Inspection. He checked for hot water and for proper functioning of the GFCI function in the bathroom outlets. We PASSED!!!

The RWG meets this Saturday and I’ll be taking Chapter 11 of Golden Gate for the critique session. I expect I’ll get more critical, insightful comments, as the product itself is getting better.

Blog 50 posting

We are at this very moment resolving issues with our granite vanity tops. Several were left very sloppily caulked, one with a mixture of white and clear caulk. One had a secondary drain plug missing. It is clear, even after having to re-cut the tops so there was no overhang, which meant quality was not in the mind of the installers.

I did manage yesterday to get the sinks in the master bath hooked up and functional - with no leaks. Hooray!!!

I finished reworking Chapter Ten, and a word count reflects I added just over 880 words. So much for dialogue.

My old PC died, slowly and painfully, over the past month. It kept freezing up. I still am unsure whether it is the hard drive, the motherboard, or the video card. I plan to replace the video card today, as well as keep transferring the data (by USB drives).

I bought a new, low end Dell Inspiron 570 computer, which has plenty of capability to do what I need, WORD documents and photo manipulation.

Blog posting number 50

Here is the Master Bath renovation status update –

Today the granite vanity top installers came. It turns out that, somehow, the fact that we wanted no lip overhang of the granite over the under mount sink had slipped their minds. I told them to stop, and they removed the three granite tops back to their shop. I understand they will be either re-cut or ground down so there’s no lip. This is important because a lip will allow mold to grow unseen. So I now wait to see if the tops will come back today or some other day, and as requested.

The shower tile was completed yesterday, with the exception of a minor repair of the grout on one side of the shower pan.

The glass folks are enroute even as I write this post, so within an hour hopefully we’ll have shower doors and actually be able to use our shower. The demo started back in May, so it has been a while.

Offspring is now back at the campus, and we plan to drive to see him and eat together this weekend.

The old vanity tops have been recycled through a Yahoo Group titled Freecycle. Check it out; it offers a way to give away serviceable items.

Hardly any work on Golden Gate has taken place this past week, other than putting some notes together on ideas as to how to rewrite Chapter Ten (again). Maybe manana!!!