Summary of critiques from RWG members following reading at Borders café 2/14/11. Reading was of fifth revision of Golden Gate ©.
Most inputs have been or are in the process of being incorporated.
Generally supportive comments were received. Samples are noted below
Good work! You create great word pictures.
Good detail about the mountains
Interesting! – of red rock city
Good use of “robe suggesting that one sentry no longer lived.”
Loved the imagery of start of chapter two
Liked the action at – “The man responded gutturally …”
Good story so far, very romantic
Good image! Informative
Editorial, administrative suggestions
Reduce any repetitive use of adjectives, nouns, and but.
Use more direct wording.
Split paragraphs whenever speakers change.
Do not need to italicize names of Arabic characters.
Be consistent about tense.
Use more dialogue.
Incorporate gestures
I rejected several suggestions:
1) Changing names of Amir and/or Amrah as being too similar in sounds. Amir
means Prince, while his daughters’ name means Princess. I consider those
particular names necessary to describing their characters status.
2) Telling more of “red rock city” or naming it (Petra). Doesn’t fit here (yet)
3) Asked to incorporate Arabic
4) Many minor, such as adjectives used
5) Adding explanation why all characters speak in English
6) Too much explanation about the Bedouin tribe – sets the stage
I noted to group that shortly, within six or seven chapters, the story (as read) would jump by about 2000 years. I also asked the group, “Am I the only one who types with just one finger?“ No one admitted it, but I have my sources … and truth will out!
Incorporate novel page numbers being read for future readings. Ensure page numbers are legible.
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