Another segment from Golden
Gate, the first novel of the Tessera
Trilogy, is offered for your review and comment.
Traffic on Airport Road was quickly sealed off. Startled by
gunfire and spooked by the emerging emergency vehicles, those who could flee
did so. Others were rapidly diverted after the fact by the Police units
converging from several streets. Many Saudis, western ex-pats, and TCNs
personally witnessed the results of this attack. Only ex-pats
took photos, and those were taken secretly. No pictures would appear in Riyadh’s newspapers. A few made their way to
Stefano.
The story spread as
it mutated, additional parts coming from across the city. Though little would
appear in print in the Kingdom, Stefano would soon have a large collection, and
pictured his name with a byline on international papers. Even if I can’t
print them here I can take them to Bahrain and file the story.
Three security
guards were stationed at the DQ’s main entrance gate. This was the norm, unless
circumstances required augmentation. Intel had not yet reached the guards force
at the gate of an expected attack, or the attacks underway across the city. Corporals
Hamid, Walid, and Sergeant Tabuz expected the same boring routine,
screening diplomats, their families, and the support contractors flowing daily
in and out of the DQ.
Two white Suburban
vans sped into view, carrying fifteen men of strong belief lead by Falaj. The
vans approached the DQ
gate at speed. As they neared the gate they started engaging the three guards
with automatic weapons fire. Sergeant Tabuz slammed his fist on the Red Button,
activating the buried entry barriers. He drew his Glock and emptied two clips
at the assailants as they stormed the gate.
His trained
response was the last act in Tabuz’s life.
Have been struggling with the
second novel (Sooley Base) recently, and have had the pleasure of
putting my early efforts up for critical review by the Riverside
writers Group. After last night’s review I feel like the followers of Spartacus
after the rebellion of slaves was put down by Rome. I
can feel the holes in my hands from being nailed to my efforts. Here are those early critical comments. While
they were thorough, I have to remind myself of the eventual goal.
Critiques are from members of Riverside Writers Group. Mixed
comments were received. Inputs are being considered for incorporation.
Wow! I love these paragraphs (first three) but it sounds
like fantasy about dragons.
Female RWG member
1) Clarify
use of dragon metaphor – in
process
2) Clarify
the time period – in
process
3) Describe
how Hamid and Boldar are dressed – in process
4) Good
simile “When a bear …” – thanks
5) Do
Arabs play cards – yes
6) The
technical talk between brothers is very US in style – in process
(Recall spokesman of Saddam
Hussein and metaphors used)
7) Is
use of trump card wording realistic – yes
8) Clarify
usage of ASW and GCC – in process
9) Simplify description of airport terminal – in process
10) Islam forbids alcohol – reject, KOSA is awash in
alcohol via black market
11) Clarify PRC – will consider
12) Description of HK’s airport is too detailed –
will simplify
Female RWG members –
1 ) When did Five Star ratings of
hotels start? – in progress
2)
Shelia – too technical – will
consider
3)
Shelia – unclear what time period – in progress
4)
Dialogue identity not clear – in progress
Male RWG author –
1) Do
not start paragraphs with “The” – in progress
2) Minor
editorial and spelling changes – in progress
3) Delete
duplicate use of fire, page 2 – in progress
4) Reduce
stilted talk, “Hamid replied …” – in progress
5) Introduce, explain GCC earlier – in progress
6) Reduce duplicate use of luxury, luxurious –
in progress
7) Identify speaker, “It is my …” – in progress
8) Reduce detailed description of the plane –
in progress
9) Describe what the men, and guards look like – in progress
10) Questioned
whether princes would pollute their mission with pleasure – reject, essential as a cover
11) This effort
drowns in minutia – reject, in progress
12) Less
telling (narrative), more action – in progress
13) Outline of action unclear for actual purpose
– in progress
14) Good start
to setting, but what motivates brothers reject, in progress
15) Couldn’t
determine time period – in
progress
16) Can you add
“kick the camel in his ass” – will consider
RWG couple –
RWG female poet –
1) Excessive
use of luxury, luxurious – in
progress
2)
Too much
coverage of International affairs – will consider
3)
Confusion
between dragons, camels, and missiles – in process
4)
Is
discussion of dragons a metaphor, or about real dragons – metaphor
5)
Why is
dialogue like TV reporter – in
process
6)
Describe
how they dress – in
process
7)
Put
paragraph “Posturing for power ..” in dialogue – in process
8)
Minor
editorial suggestions – will
consider
9)
Delete
“All heard but …” – reject
10)
Is all
the detail of “paragraph “Riyadh’s airport …” necessary – in process
11)
How did
they learn (“As they walked …”) – need to convert to dialogue
12)
Is
paragraph “The plane’s …” necessary – in process
13)
Is
paragraph “The 747 taxied …” too much - in process
New RWG male member –
1) Too
much detail on airport – in
progress
RWG members -
1) Add
description of Boldar and Hamid – in progress –
2) Use
Arabic terminology – will
consider
3) Do
Arabs play cards? – YES
4) Clarify
GCC and ASW – in process
5) Is
the setting modern or ancient –
6) Change
“sands” to “sandals” at end of “… but the black gold beneath our sands.” - – in progress
7) Revise
“flat voice with conviction” – in progress
8) Clarify
GCC and ASW – in process
9) Delete
“to find” in “to find dragons.” – in process
10) Describe
details of luxury in airport more concisely – in process
11) Delete
“Luxurious” before “supple.” – in process
12) Consolidate descriptions of airport terminal –
in process
13) Clarify PRC – reject
14) Paragraphs
“as they waked …” and “The plane’s …” are repetitive – agree, in progress
15) Why did
princes have interest in water beside HK runway - agree, in progress
16) Use bigger
font, type size – reject,
will be right in e-book
17) Why did they watch the waters in progress
Take aways –
17) Female RWG members still have lower tolerance
for technical terms
18) Review to reduce repetitive adjectives,
adverbs
19) If use a metaphor or simile, don’t point out
that fact
20) Use dialogue
