Blog post 92

Another segment from Golden Gate, the first novel of the Tessera Trilogy, is offered for your review and comment.

Traffic on Airport Road was quickly sealed off. Startled by gunfire and spooked by the emerging emergency vehicles, those who could flee did so. Others were rapidly diverted after the fact by the Police units converging from several streets. Many Saudis, western ex-pats, and TCNs personally witnessed the results of this attack. Only ex-pats took photos, and those were taken secretly. No pictures would appear in Riyadh’s newspapers. A few made their way to Stefano.

The story spread as it mutated, additional parts coming from across the city. Though little would appear in print in the Kingdom, Stefano would soon have a large collection, and pictured his name with a byline on international papers. Even if I can’t print them here I can take them to Bahrain and file the story.

Three security guards were stationed at the DQ’s main entrance gate. This was the norm, unless circumstances required augmentation. Intel had not yet reached the guards force at the gate of an expected attack, or the attacks underway across the city. Corporals Hamid, Walid, and Sergeant Tabuz expected the same boring routine, screening diplomats, their families, and the support contractors flowing daily in and out of the DQ.

Two white Suburban vans sped into view, carrying fifteen men of strong belief lead by Falaj. The vans approached the DQ gate at speed. As they neared the gate they started engaging the three guards with automatic weapons fire. Sergeant Tabuz slammed his fist on the Red Button, activating the buried entry barriers. He drew his Glock and emptied two clips at the assailants as they stormed the gate.

His trained response was the last act in Tabuz’s life.

 

Have been struggling with the second novel (Sooley Base) recently, and have had the pleasure of putting my early efforts up for critical review by the Riverside writers Group. After last night’s review I feel like the followers of Spartacus after the rebellion of slaves was put down by Rome. I can feel the holes in my hands from being nailed to my efforts.  Here are those early critical comments. While they were thorough, I have to remind myself of the eventual goal.

Critiques are from members of Riverside Writers Group. Mixed comments were received. Inputs are being considered for incorporation.

Wow! I love these paragraphs (first three) but it sounds like fantasy about dragons.

Female RWG member

1)      Clarify use of dragon metaphor – in process

2)      Clarify the time period – in process

3)      Describe how Hamid and Boldar are dressed – in process

4)      Good simile “When a bear …” – thanks

5)      Do Arabs play cards – yes

6)      The technical talk between brothers is very US in style – in process

(Recall spokesman of Saddam Hussein and metaphors used)

7)      Is use of trump card wording realistic – yes

8)      Clarify usage of ASW and GCC – in process

9)       Simplify description of airport terminal – in process

10)   Islam forbids alcohol – reject, KOSA is awash in alcohol via black market

11)   Clarify PRC – will consider

12)   Description of HK’s airport is too detailed – will simplify

Female RWG members –

1 ) When did Five Star ratings of hotels start? –  in progress

2)   Shelia – too technical – will consider

3)   Shelia – unclear what time period – in progress

4)   Dialogue identity not clear – in progress

Male RWG author –

1)      Do not start paragraphs with “The” –  in progress

2)      Minor editorial and spelling changes –  in progress

3)      Delete duplicate use of fire, page 2 –  in progress

4)      Reduce stilted  talk, “Hamid replied …” –  in progress

5)      Introduce, explain GCC earlier –  in progress

6)      Reduce duplicate use of luxury, luxurious –  in progress

7)      Identify speaker, “It is my …” –  in progress

8)      Reduce detailed description of the plane –  in progress

9)      Describe what the men, and guards look like – in progress

10)  Questioned whether princes would pollute their mission with pleasure – reject, essential as a cover

11)  This effort drowns in minutia – reject, in progress

12)  Less telling (narrative), more action – in progress

13)  Outline of action unclear for actual purpose – in progress

14)  Good start to setting, but what motivates brothers reject, in progress

15)  Couldn’t determine time period – in progress

16)  Can you add “kick the camel in his ass” – will consider

Female RWG member –

1)      Good analogy in Royal de Terminal paragraph – Thanks

2)      Add description of Boldar and Hamid – in process

3)      Hamid – agree, in progress

RWG couple  –

1)      Was confused and referred to ancient setting of Golden Gate – ignore

2)      Too much technical detail - 

RWG female poet –

1)      Excessive use of luxury, luxurious – in progress

2)      Too much coverage of International affairs – will consider

3)      Confusion between dragons, camels, and missiles – in process

4)      Is discussion of dragons a metaphor, or about real dragons – metaphor

5)      Why is dialogue like TV reporter – in process

6)      Describe how they dress – in process

7)      Put paragraph “Posturing for power ..” in dialogue – in process

8)      Minor editorial suggestions – will consider

9)      Delete “All heard but …” – reject

10)  Is all the detail of “paragraph “Riyadh’s airport …” necessary – in process

11)  How did they learn (“As they walked …”) – need to convert to dialogue

12)  Is paragraph “The plane’s …” necessary – in process

13)  Is paragraph “The 747 taxied …” too much -  in process

New RWG male member –

1)      Too much detail on airport – in progress

RWG members -

1)      Add description of Boldar and Hamid – in progress –

2)      Use Arabic terminology – will consider

3)      Do Arabs play cards? – YES

4)      Clarify GCC and ASW – in process

5)      Is the setting modern or ancient –

6)      Change “sands” to “sandals” at end of “… but the black gold beneath our sands.” - – in progress

7)      Revise “flat voice with conviction” – in progress

8)      Clarify GCC and ASW – in process

9)      Delete “to find” in “to find dragons.” – in process

10)  Describe details of luxury in airport more concisely – in process

11)  Delete “Luxurious” before “supple.” – in process

12)   Consolidate descriptions of airport terminal – in process

13)   Clarify PRC – reject

14)  Paragraphs “as they waked …” and “The plane’s …” are repetitive – agree, in progress

15)  Why did princes have interest in water beside HK runway - agree, in progress

16)  Use bigger font, type size – reject, will be right in e-book

17)   Why did they watch the waters in progress

Take aways –

17)   Female RWG members still have lower tolerance for technical terms

18)   Review to reduce repetitive adjectives, adverbs

19)   If use a metaphor or simile, don’t point out that fact

20)   Use dialogue