BLOG POST 262

BAM 10 September 2018 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Show how Mrs. Weatherly was warned – agree, working

2.       Questioned how Weatherly could be aware of newspaper article – she reads

3.       Felt dialog about talking with HS principal was weird – working

4.       Show Weatherly’s reaction to the statement about deaths at meth lab – agree, working

5.       Clarify why Collins said the address of PR head – to show she’d researched the woman, to intimidate her

6.       Questioned whether reporter would “illegally” enter school or blackmail the PR head – fiction

7.       Did not believe newspaper has tens of thousands of readers –

8.       Reduce duplicate mention of voice level changes – agree

9.       Questioned why Mrs. Weatherly rose – to make a point physically

10.   Questioned veins in hand pulsing – agree, working

11.   Felt Collins’ leverage was weak, and thought Weatherly tell her to f765 off

12.   Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Not sure this scene would work. PR head would call FLS editor and ask reporter be fired – had edited out a paragraph with editor shown as solidly behind story

2.       Felt if reporter personality was this strong, determined she might not even approach school officials and just go undercover with a disguise – agree, may change back to that approach

3.       Change name of sub-division and school – agree

4.       Confused by reporter mention of male and female source – reporter trying to be evasive, protect source

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Was uncomfortable with use of actual county, sub-division and school names – agree, will change sub-division and school names

2.       Felt county should give permission for use of its name – disagree

3.       Dialog a lot better – thanks

4.       Improve introduction scene – agree, working

5.       Felt it not credible that a reporter could sneak into school – disagree

6.       Felt reporter or writer might get sued if permission not given – moot question beyond scope of fiction novel

7.       Felt PR would be livid that a reporter would be this threatening –

8.       Suggested mention of hall passes – disagree, enough procedural restraints identified

9.       Questioned why reporter mentioned where PR head lived – to show she did her homework

10.   Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Name the reporter – Already identified in first sentence

2.       Reduce use of adverbs – agree, working

3.       Felt description of veins in hand pulsing was not believable – agree, working

4.       Wanted use of insure, vice ensure – disagree

5.       Why was it important for reporter to say all stories would cite anonymous sources – to show that reporters protect sources

6.       Numerous minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

*************************************

Thus far my draft has reached 53.1K words and a draft page count of 179, of which 82 have been reviewed.

BLOG POST 261

Tessera Trilogy Blog Post 261

BAM 20 August 2018 critique comments

BAM member –

1.       Provide lead in to set scene for Brad’s flashback – agree, working

2.       Explain how they can leave school in terms of SRO, procedures for leaving – agree, working

3.       Dialog too straightforward, suggested subtlety - will rework

4.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Problems with the structure of whole segment. Data dump in cafeteria is unrealistic – agree, working

2.        Reduce detail of what Kathy and Brad reveal to each other – agree, working

3.       Use cat and mouse between Kathy and Brad to come to a deal to work together – agree, working

4.       Move the revelations outside school to her car – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Reduce detail of what Kathy and Brad reveal to each other – agree, working

2.       Use less sexual innuendo between Kathy and Brad – agree, working

3.       Move the revelations outside school – agree, working

4.       Explain how they can leave school in terms of SRO, procedures for leaving – agree, working

5.       Hold back on her multiple identities – agree, working

6.       Felt there were too many characters – Hmm!

7.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

BAM member –

1.       Good story – thanks

2.       Show where Brad got facial recognition software – agree, working

3.       Suggested keeping in present tense – disagree. This segment is primarily a flashback to set scene for future action

4.       Numerous minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

BAM member –

1.       Are these new characters – No, introduced long time ago.

2.       Dialog does not sound like teenagers – true, however she is in mid-twenties and he’s a bright geek

3.       Reduce revelations that she is a credit card thief – agree, working

4.       Reduce details of their too detailed, physical descriptions – agree, working

5.       Minor editorial suggestions – working

External reviewer –

1.       Reword extensively – agree, working

2.       Establish settings for conversation – agree, working

3.       You should have one narrator attach the thoughts to Brad – agree, working

4.       Identify speakers of all dialog if not evident – agree, working

5.       Explain why Kathy is explaining her investigative process to Brad – agree, working

6.       Use boys and girls, vice males and females – agree, working

7.       Reduce or explain Kathy’s intentional visibility at school – agree, working

8.       Meth lords wouldn’t have a Dark Web site – agree, working

9.       Remove Brad’s Dark Net identity – agree, working

10.   Reduce technical detail used by characters – agree, working

11.   Describe how characters interact – agree, working

12.   Reduce formality of dialog – agree, working

13.   Show why Alexa wants to work with Brad – agree, working

14.   Minor editorial suggestions – agree, working

*************************************

Thus far my draft has reached 52.8K words and a draft page count of 178, of which 79 have been reviewed.