Tessera
Trilogy Blog
Post 226
The working draft of The Next
One now stands at 95 pages reviewed.
*********************************************
Just finished a
re-read of David Baldacci’s Stone Cold.
Great story, lots of twists, intrigue, and tension. Highly recommended. Am now reading
David Alan Miles Balfour and the Shadow
Pirate, his first novel.
*********************************************
BAM 05 June 2017 critique comments
A free form after critique
followed the regular critique, which stressed that the reviewers thought Mick and
Mo appeared as unsuccessful detectives, even as Keystone Cops. I confessed that
that had been my intent, to build a tension between the FBI’s need for “proof” and
what Area 52 had put together to brief the FBI on. I has even considered using the
description Keystone Cops myself, but felt it should be too suggestive.
At the meeting I was
wearing a back brace. Upon being asked about it, I mentioned that my family has
an apparent pre-disposition for back problems. A discussion followed concerning current legislation
before Congress and restrictions for “pre-existing” conditions.
BAM member –
1.
Good addition,
eliminate dialogue tags – agree, working
2.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree
3.
Questioned why knowing
calls made is of interest – to discover who Adnan was talking to
4.
Questioned why
the software “came in handy” – to trace cell phone calls, discover
collaborators
5.
Explain about
“taking LA back to the Stone Age” – agree, rewritten to foreshadow of a possible
terrorist mass casualty event
6.
Questioned use of
humorous name, Dammit for Damadh, for potential terrorist – author choice
7.
Change period to
question mark - agree
BAM member –
1.
Concerned that
Mick and Mo seem like Keystone Cops – was my intent, and their discovery of
evidence is just beginning
2.
Questioned data
available from gas receipt – agree, changed to finding an open credit card bill
3.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree
4.
Reduce mention of
what characters are about to do, then showing it – agree, working
5.
Correct POV
problem – agree
6.
Questioned
concern, or foreshadowing about Mo being a Saudi – I’m foreshadowing upcoming
meeting with FBI
7.
Felt Mick and Mo
had no proof – agree, I’m building case on little evidence, foreshadowing
future/imminent discovery
8.
Questioned that
“car registration was falsified” wasn’t mentioned – disagree; wrong address, empty lot noted
BAM member –
1.
Not enough
action, all conversation – agree, working
2.
Flowed well –
thanks
3.
Little action -
4.
Nice description
- thanks
5.
Minor editorial
suggestion – agree
6.
Questioned why
Mick felt exposed – will improve his fear of being seen or being taped breaking
into Adnan’s car
7.
Missed some of
the humor
8.
Clarify laptop
ownership and movements – Both George and Mick used them, then Mick used a
tablet to break into Adnan’s car
BAM member –
1.
Not enough action
– agree, am foreshadowing
2.
Had difficulty
remembering which characters involved - disagree
3.
Minor editorial
suggestions – agree
4.
Asked who Judy is
– not in this segment, she’s the lead of a unit in an FBI Joint Anti-Terrorist
Task Force
5.
Clarify laptop
ownership and movements – Both George and Mick used them, then Mick used a
tablet to break into Adnan’s car
BAM member –
1.
Flowed well, good
continuation – thanks
2.
Include more
action – thanks
3.
No written
comments
