Blog post 122

Another segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued by offspring in anticipation of a Monday Books-A-Million meeting and critique of the revised segment.

Review comments:

Improve blunt lead in – agree, in process

Various editorial, sentence changes – agree, in process

Reduce use of ellipses – agree, in process

Improve dialogue (now is one sided monologue) – agree, in process

Delete superfluous descriptions – agree, in process

Add context to statement about robbers getting hands chopped off – disagree, in process

Increase complexity of characters – agree, in process

Improve description of ships as feminine – agree, in process

Describe various looks (confusion, emotion, smile) – agree, in process

Don’t use knight in shining armor – undecided, in process

Decrease use of passive verbs – agree, in process

Delete “You’re my first date in …” – agree, in process

Improve transitions, lead-ins – agree, in process

Use contractions in speech – agree, in process

Current page count is 121, while word count is 61K. Numerous hand written notes need to be converted to word documents for insertion. 

Blog Post 121

A segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued at the May 2014 RWG meeting.

Offspring did the honors initially, and then those versions were critiqued at the RWG meeting.

RWG member review comments:

After revising the segment it was taken to May RWG meeting. The segment was read at the RWG meeting, and critiqued at the end of the meeting.

RWG members provided written critiques of the segment as follows:

RWG member

1.       So much of an improvement – A pleasure to read – agree

2. Hooks is good, gripping – agree
3. Describe water bottles – clear, plastic, screw tops – agree
4. Add significance of water truck as prize – First prize within text, working
5. Kept our interest – agree
6. Minor editorial changes – agree
7. Explain thoubs – disagree
8. Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree
9. Has action and dialogue – agree
10. Good description of band – agree

RWG member

1.        Use Arabic for crowd shouts – agree

2.       Very well written for the general public – agree

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Correct fluttering flags – agree

5.       Show dialect or type of English used by the King – agree

RWG member

1.       Insert indents before each paragraph  – disagree

2.       Liked “sucked the moisture from your throat” – agree

3.       Change “mechanically” to “rhythmically” – agree

4. Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

5.       Describe the King’s pavilion more Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

6.       Use His Majesty vice HM Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

7.       Insert punctuation within sentence – disagree

8.       Add more “color” – agree

RWG member

1. No written comments
2. Liked it, “You’ve come a long way” – agree
3. Good use of cynicism and nuances
4. Expand descriptions of band, King, camels, race – agree
5. Describe camels as one or two humps, their spit and noises – agree

RWG member

1.    Likes new style – agree

2.       Mention Tooley earlier – disagree, in prior segments

3.       Explain water truck as First Place prize – disagree, within text

4.       Suggest delete “dozens of” – disagree

5.       Suggest remove water truck as prize of race – disagree

6.       Minor editorial changes – agree with about half

7.       Explain what wounds – disagree, within earlier chapter

8.       Have Tooley stop two paces behind King – disagree

RWG member

1.    No written comments

RWG member

1.       Moves your narrative along – agree

2.       Suggest use more description – agree

3.       Minor editorial change – agree

RWG member

        1.  Reduce use of “were (verb)” – agree

        2.  Liked introduction to camel race – agree

        3.  Incorporate sitting, squatting for camels – agree

        4.  Combine two paragraphs on last page – agree

        5.  Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

        6.  Minor word choice and editorial suggestions – agree

        7.  Improve strength of verbs – agree

        8.  Describe the King’s use of English – agree

        9.  Combine two paragraphs on last page – agree

I was very encouraged with the response, and with positive comments on style, flow, level of detail, and use of dialogue. More work is ahead, and constructive criticism helps!

RWG is the Riverside writers Group. Ta Da!!!

Blog Post 120

Kashan Kashmeeri – 

Word count stands at 60 K, and page count at 119.  The monthly meeting of the Riverside Writers Group is this Saturday, so I have to polish another segment to read for critique. The critiques of first reviewer, before the RWG review, are shown below:

Minor editorial suggestions – agree; in process

Change style of language used, make less direct and colloquial – agree; in process

Revise to have dialogue bring out feelings – agree; in process

Develop each major character’s being separately from others – agree; in process

Reduce unnecessary wording – agree; in process

Suggested wording changes  – agree; in process

Improve dialogue as to and fro, vice responses to one – agree; in process

Use more body language, jokes, teasing – agree; in process

Describe the heat at Camel Race more clearly – agree; in process

Identify speaker –disagree; evident from flow of dialogue

Rewrite paragraph to make intent more evident – agree; in process

Minor word changes – agree; in process

Improve lead-ins to paragraphs - agree; in process

Very good use of facial expressions– agree; in process

Improve description of the King’s eye contact – agree; in process

Improve cheeky dialogue – agree; in process

Progress is slow, but encouraging.