Blog entry 61

Chapter 21, revision I was read at the November 2011 RWG meeting. Critique comments and author response is noted below.

Very supportive comments were received. Samples are noted below:

RWG member 1 – keeps my attention; best work yet. Action can be visualized

            RWG member 2 - page 3, next to last paragraph – great description

                                     page 5, “something was off” – great description

            RWG member 3 - Vivid; could picture hooks going up. Well done!

                        Written like for a movie

Inputs on revision I, are in the process of being considered for incorporation.

RWG member 2  –

            Paragraph 1 – in last sentence check usage of “as” – done

            Page 2 – reduce of repetitive “hook” – done

            Page 3 – “over the side” used twice – done

            Remove usage of “C-141” – done

RWG member 3 –

Consider usage of “weenie” – reject

RWG member 1 –

            Suggested use other than “mischief in their minds” as cliché– done

                        (Will use suggested “minds set on mayhem”)

            Asked usage of RPG – reject

            Second paragraph, 3^rd line – “imagined” and “pictured” too close – done

RWG member 4  –

Page 1 – Use up, vice upward – done

Page 1 – wrt “the three, “one falling back” – done

Page 2 – top sentences, “to action” – done

            Page 2, “named the spaces” may be superfluous– done

            Page 2 – remove “kin” as sole use of slang – done

            Consider removing “the heartbeat raced” – done

            Search for and reduce usage of “just” – done

            Consider usage of pompous vice “weenie” – reject

Takeaways –

Ensure review for and reduction in use of “just” in wording –

Try to get and keep energy of action higher, consistently