Progress on the Western Front

The correct double vanity is now at our home, and another RWG critique session (see below) has given me lots of suggestions. Isn't life wonderful?

Worked on updating Golden Gate, cleaning up some minor changes throughout this draft. Have lots of work to do, but may actually make goal of completion, and e-sales by Black Friday.

Golden Gate REV H word count as of 19 August 2011 – 67,599

Editorial critiques from RWG reading at Peace UMC – on Golden Gate REV I

Critiques are from members of RWG.

I noted at start of one RWG member's comments, that this segment (Chapter 10) fits just after the 1800 year leap I am still struggling with.

Generally supportive comments were received -

RWG member – “Great writer”

RWG member – “If the rest of the book is about setting the stage; drop it.” “Best I’ve seen

yet;” has interest; “liked HUA – it was a good tease”

Inputs on ninth revision, see below, are being considered for incorporation.

RWG member 01 –

Separate out the (small) stories and elaborate on the (fewer) best ones – in

process

Suggest reword “regular recipient, but learned fast” on page 3 – in process

Suggest delete third paragraph page 4 – in process

RWG member 02 –

            Too anecdotal – in process

            Clipped things; take out some and flesh out major ones – in process

            Connect the threads – in process

            You give each equal size; give some more detail – in process

            Need to explain, show why he is doing these things - in process

            Splain what drives him - in process

RWG member 03 –

            Trouble figuring out POV - in process

            Page 2, et al – too much use of “Tooley” - in process

            Use fewer stories; tie them together - in process

RWG member 04 –

            Leave out reference to Bogey; he didn’t say it – in process

            Is the Priest running a parish really called the “Pastor?” – reject

            On page 5, guy with leather balls – over the top – Done

            Start here; use earlier parts as flashbacks – reject

            Various editorial changes – in process

RWG member 05 –

            If Tooley is main character, give glimpses, rather than long stream of back stories

-         in process

Identify the “they” in first paragraph - in process

Various editorial changes – in process

Add AKA or Also known as for Tooley– in process

Identify the Lieutenant by name – in process

Change spelling of Maa to Ma – reject (Irish usage)

Various editorial changes – in process

RWG member 06 –

            Define HUA sooner - in process

            “Nothing was proven –“ extraneous - in process

            Who called him Tooley, and Why  – reject (O’Toole)

            Too frequent use of Tooley - in process

            Use Tooley, vice Padrick page 2 - in process

            Assumes knowledge of Navy jargon - in process

            Introduce timeline (sixties) earlier - in process

            Give an example of what made the Firsties squirm - in process

            Explain why he chose cryptography - in process

            Explain why he was so good at times - in process

            You started with viewpoint of State Troopers; why did POV change - in process

            Add movement, flow (is in chunks now) - in process

            Splain what is in the mind of Tooley - in process

RWG member 07 –

            Didn’t like HUA files discussion – reject (humor)

            Spell out HUA upfront - in process

            Written as a narrative; would like to see dialogue - in process

            Check point of view (POV) - in process

            Uncomfortable with “humorously open” – reject (obvious)

            Change “eluded” – Done

            Use flashbacks to tie together - in process

            Minor editorial changes – Done

            Reduce use of “whale shit in the ocean” – reject (author choice)

            Reduce use of Firsties – reject

            Reduce emphasis on Naval terminology  – will review

            Change “showing off” page 5 - in process

            Flow missing - in process

            Elaborate on individual actions - in process

            Include more dialogue – in process

            Pages two and three ramble – in process

            Intel or Intell – in process

            Splain the reason page 5 stench was humorous, mids driven away  – reject

            Add “cryptography specialist” as definition of crypie – Done

Take aways – convert rambling, frenetic narrative to active dialogue