Tessera Trilogy Blog entry 102
Sooley Base word count as of 23 May – 100K,
and page count 209. I have now conceded that the novel won’t make it to publication
until the twelfth of never, or late this Fall!!!
Writers block, combined with numerous shiny objects around
the yard continue to distract me.
I had asked two infantry combat veterans to review segments
of the novel for accuracy of terms, tactics, flow and credibility. Thus far
neither has responded – a shame. Check your six!
With the above vets not responding another reviewer was
chosen, and provided these excellent insights and suggestions covering segments
from Sooley Base chapters 33 and 34:
What are DATs? – reject; explained in previous segments.
Need a more exciting first sentence – agree, in process
Ellipses used too often; use commas – considering (style
issue)
Too many questions posed – reject; builds drama and interest
The previous line suggests anger; then he mutters? – agree;
in process
Thoughts should be given by dialogue – in process
Unclear who speaking – reject
Thoughts too casual for a Colonel; don’t reveal the Colonel
‘hoping’ – agree; in process
“Clicks over the radio acknowledged his orders.” – not
dramatic enough – agree; in process
“There was a warning, a soft rumble …” – Ugly sentence –
agree; in process
Too many sentences start with “it” – agree; in process
“It would be an hour before …” – do this with dialogue –
agree; in process
Lessen use of “walked” and “crawled” - in process
Reword “Workers ran for cover … very awkward - agree; in
process
“Whether they believed or not” – find better way to express
- agree; in process
“Like moths drawn …” – Good! More like this! Make “BOOM” the
page ender – agree
Hard Scrabble – good metaphor, but DUPE use of phrase -
agree; in process
“A Chinese worker …” – Don’t need his name if he’s a
throwaway (or give him features before he dies) - agree; in process
“Ashrah Hummer One
– much too casual for such a tense situation - agree; in process
Make “Hell” start with lower case h - agree; in process
“High diddle diddle …” – way too casual - agree; in process
“leveled his Galil,
hosed the lights…” – Good. The bullets as a water metaphor, like from a torrent
of lead - agree
“but soon were digging in, a new reality” – change to “an
unexpected reality” - in process
“dark hair sought to distinguish …” - reword
Ali and Bethsoud … Shia and Sunni …” – Excellent – agree
“This base has Chinese …” – strained use of words - agree;
in process
Reduce amount of cursing for cursing sake. The narrator
should never curse – reject first; - agree; in process on second POV
“Saudi, I’m going …” – how are they talking to each other -
Splain; in process
“Rubbing the magician’s lamp” as segment title – awkward -
agree; in process
“There was a muffled explosion ...” – Great – agree
“The missile created …” Great – agree
“hugging it like …” Narrator has too much influence on vocab
and tone - agree; in process
Different light – doing a hell of a lot of wandering; focus
- agree; in process
“Damn we really need the air support …” monologues are best
left to Broadway and comic book villains - agree; in process
“Deputy Base Commander …” make him do something other than
jamming - agree; in process
Very cool use of history reference – agree
“One only dared glance up as he rolled ...” – explain -
agree; in process
“Amir made an offer … Excellent (use of dialogue) - agree;
in process
Remove duplicate use of phrase “like the cape of a dervish”
- agree; in process
“Rifle fire … well aimed …” – this format is generally
reserved for poetry - disagree; in process
“Bethsoud yelled across …” – best use of dialogue so far - -
agree
“Chance is on our side …” ‘ (make) More like this – agree
“casting a chill … great use of light as dualistic – agree
“Slam, bam, thank you Mam! …” – Good! – agree
“and We won’t move.” – remove underlining, uncapitalize “we”
- agree
“not a simple bet on a camel race – weak - agree; in process
Simple punctuation and word suggestions - agree; in process
“Only the stuff we brought …” – creates tension; well done!
– agree
“it wasn’t a war. Every …” GREAT! - agree; in process
“Captain Ali …” – awkward - - agree; in process
“Stomachs twitched …” suggestions as to flow - agree; in process
“Hunkered down – Those facing each other …” – extremely
general and boring - agree; in process
“Three more after this …” revise old man terminology -
agree; in process
“Those whores, they are too …” good use of expletives –
agree
“We’re the toughest …” too Americanized; return to broken
English - agree; in process
Revise negative use of description - agree; in process
“Misery that’s what!” – very casual but educated word
choice- agree; in process
Avoid use of increasing size of font and bolding for
emphasis – reject
Don’t explain use of words; people will recognize from usage
– agree
Don’t whisper with use of exclamation point – agree
“The last taunt was a bold faced lie. …” change ending
sentence - agree; in process
“The first of two …” – good description – agree
Analogy used in “Beyond the lives at risk …” strained -
agree; in process
“The assailant twisted in …” isn’t dramatic enough - agree;
in process
“from the confrontation and confusion …” return the plot to
… - agree; in process
Take aways
–
1) Don’t start paragraphs with “it.”
2) Use dialogue
3) Avoid
use of “would”
4) Lessen
use of military ranks … use first or last names
5) Use
more dramatic dialogue and word choices
