Tessera Trilogy Blog post 124

Below are three draft Taglines summarizing Kashan Kashmeeri. Your preferences and suggestions are invited.

Tagline 01 –

Fate, and the spirits of war bring the cousins together – Stefano the journalist for CNN with ‘Breaking News’, Amir the retired Saudi General recalled to duty, and Padrick Marcus Michael O’Toole ‘Tooley’ the Langley agent now Station Chief in Riyadh.

The Middle East is in turmoil, on the edge of what could be WWIII, Iraqis and Iranians suddenly reaming at breakneck speed and moving their artillery, tanks, planes and armies … but to where? Is there a colossal bloodbath in the future? The cousins, now joined by a surprising addition, discover that the war is … or may not be … all it seems. It could be incredibly worse!

Can they make sense of the actions unfolding in militaries of the regions, or are some of the cousins concealing hidden agenda? Will the militaries descend into the ultimate clash of tank on tank, helo on helo, fighter on fighter, infantry on infantry – or worse! Will it be War or Peace?

Tagline 02 –

The cousins return as Middle East militaries arm and spar in what promises to be the final conflict. Stefano, as the CNN journalist breaking news to the world, confronts conflicts between what he sees and understands of wars past.

Amir is recalled to active duty, promoted and positioned to control forces of great power, and Tooley, fresh from CIA assignments across the globe and stateside, is plopped down as the Riyadh Chief of Station.

Military forces arm, train, move to front lines … poised to start WWIII, until Stefano discovers secret plans which could be far worse.

The ultimate struggle of mankind moves closer, as the so-called ‘Coalition for Peace’ musters its forces to confront … or conduct … war. The demands of the Peace Coalition are clear – but do they mean Peace … or war? Negotiations are sought, conducted and imagined. These contrast with maneuvers and battles to gain supremacy in the air and on the ground.

The cousins seek to contain the momentum building to war, and help Peace prevail, and the anxious world is asked to Light one Candle.

Tagline 03 –

The newest member of the 8oth cousins, Anh Nguyen, becomes a part of the groups’ individual and collective efforts to discover what will happen in the Middle East. Will WWIII start, or worse?

Sensing the subtleties of what is happening, filtering out the BS and efforts at Cover and Deception, she must huddle beneath the desert sands as hundreds of thousands of well armed men practice their deadly art and edge the world closer to the ultimate conflict.

Breaking News! Stefano, another 8oth cousin is discovering the truth about what is really happening with the Coalition for Peace. In the birthplace of perennial warfare will the Coalition move to effect Peace, or will it start the final conflict?

The ‘other side’ is possessed of a nuclear strike capability. Will that option be used to level the playing field against great odds? The people of the world see Breaking News broadcasts which increasingly threaten their world.

Text messages document the closeness of the potential movement to the brink. The ultimate confrontation begins and action in the streets may be the only way to convince the powerful to move towards Peace.  

Blog Post 123

Tessera Trilogy Blog post 123

Sales of Sooley Base have picked up!!! Yea!!!

 A segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued at a Monday Books-A-million meeting.

Reviewer comments:

After revising the segment it was taken to the BAM meeting. The segment was read and critiqued at the end of the meeting.

BAM members provided written critiques of the segment as follows:

BAM member

1.       Well written, good dialogue – agree

2.       Explain how Wednesday relates to Muslim Friday – agree; in process

3. Incorporate reference to when character served on ships – agree; in process

4.       Minor editorial changes – agree

5.       Suggested word changes – agree

6.       Show me around …” not believable, incorporate more to and fro – agree; in process

BAM member

1.       Unconvincing use of female dialogue (not what they’d say)  

2.       Explain how Wednesday relates to Muslim Friday – agree; in process

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

BAM member

1.       Was uncertain of gender of character – disagree; clear from previous segments and text

2.       Uncertain of use of POV – agree; in process

3.       Unclear of setting - disagree; clear from previous  text

4.       Characters posing questions was distracting – agree; in process

5.       Change question to statement punctuation wise – agree; in process

6.       Change sequence of sentences – agree; in process

BAM member

1.        No written comments

2.       Not hard to follow, interesting 

Blog post 122

Another segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued by offspring in anticipation of a Monday Books-A-Million meeting and critique of the revised segment.

Review comments:

Improve blunt lead in – agree, in process

Various editorial, sentence changes – agree, in process

Reduce use of ellipses – agree, in process

Improve dialogue (now is one sided monologue) – agree, in process

Delete superfluous descriptions – agree, in process

Add context to statement about robbers getting hands chopped off – disagree, in process

Increase complexity of characters – agree, in process

Improve description of ships as feminine – agree, in process

Describe various looks (confusion, emotion, smile) – agree, in process

Don’t use knight in shining armor – undecided, in process

Decrease use of passive verbs – agree, in process

Delete “You’re my first date in …” – agree, in process

Improve transitions, lead-ins – agree, in process

Use contractions in speech – agree, in process

Current page count is 121, while word count is 61K. Numerous hand written notes need to be converted to word documents for insertion. 

Blog Post 121

A segment of Kashan Kashmeeri was reviewed/critiqued at the May 2014 RWG meeting.

Offspring did the honors initially, and then those versions were critiqued at the RWG meeting.

RWG member review comments:

After revising the segment it was taken to May RWG meeting. The segment was read at the RWG meeting, and critiqued at the end of the meeting.

RWG members provided written critiques of the segment as follows:

RWG member

1.       So much of an improvement – A pleasure to read – agree

2. Hooks is good, gripping – agree
3. Describe water bottles – clear, plastic, screw tops – agree
4. Add significance of water truck as prize – First prize within text, working
5. Kept our interest – agree
6. Minor editorial changes – agree
7. Explain thoubs – disagree
8. Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree
9. Has action and dialogue – agree
10. Good description of band – agree

RWG member

1.        Use Arabic for crowd shouts – agree

2.       Very well written for the general public – agree

3.       Minor editorial changes – agree

4.       Correct fluttering flags – agree

5.       Show dialect or type of English used by the King – agree

RWG member

1.       Insert indents before each paragraph  – disagree

2.       Liked “sucked the moisture from your throat” – agree

3.       Change “mechanically” to “rhythmically” – agree

4. Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

5.       Describe the King’s pavilion more Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

6.       Use His Majesty vice HM Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

7.       Insert punctuation within sentence – disagree

8.       Add more “color” – agree

RWG member

1. No written comments
2. Liked it, “You’ve come a long way” – agree
3. Good use of cynicism and nuances
4. Expand descriptions of band, King, camels, race – agree
5. Describe camels as one or two humps, their spit and noises – agree

RWG member

1.    Likes new style – agree

2.       Mention Tooley earlier – disagree, in prior segments

3.       Explain water truck as First Place prize – disagree, within text

4.       Suggest delete “dozens of” – disagree

5.       Suggest remove water truck as prize of race – disagree

6.       Minor editorial changes – agree with about half

7.       Explain what wounds – disagree, within earlier chapter

8.       Have Tooley stop two paces behind King – disagree

RWG member

1.    No written comments

RWG member

1.       Moves your narrative along – agree

2.       Suggest use more description – agree

3.       Minor editorial change – agree

RWG member

        1.  Reduce use of “were (verb)” – agree

        2.  Liked introduction to camel race – agree

        3.  Incorporate sitting, squatting for camels – agree

        4.  Combine two paragraphs on last page – agree

        5.  Change tense of ‘Water bottles were passed” – agree

        6.  Minor word choice and editorial suggestions – agree

        7.  Improve strength of verbs – agree

        8.  Describe the King’s use of English – agree

        9.  Combine two paragraphs on last page – agree

I was very encouraged with the response, and with positive comments on style, flow, level of detail, and use of dialogue. More work is ahead, and constructive criticism helps!

RWG is the Riverside writers Group. Ta Da!!!

Blog Post 120

Kashan Kashmeeri – 

Word count stands at 60 K, and page count at 119.  The monthly meeting of the Riverside Writers Group is this Saturday, so I have to polish another segment to read for critique. The critiques of first reviewer, before the RWG review, are shown below:

Minor editorial suggestions – agree; in process

Change style of language used, make less direct and colloquial – agree; in process

Revise to have dialogue bring out feelings – agree; in process

Develop each major character’s being separately from others – agree; in process

Reduce unnecessary wording – agree; in process

Suggested wording changes  – agree; in process

Improve dialogue as to and fro, vice responses to one – agree; in process

Use more body language, jokes, teasing – agree; in process

Describe the heat at Camel Race more clearly – agree; in process

Identify speaker –disagree; evident from flow of dialogue

Rewrite paragraph to make intent more evident – agree; in process

Minor word changes – agree; in process

Improve lead-ins to paragraphs - agree; in process

Very good use of facial expressions– agree; in process

Improve description of the King’s eye contact – agree; in process

Improve cheeky dialogue – agree; in process

Progress is slow, but encouraging.

Blog Post 119

The hardest part is writing dialogue, especially for female characters.  Try as I might I struggle to get the lingo, thought pattern, and sensitivity correct.

David Baldacci has become my favorite author. His style is crisp, concise – he uses chapters (numbered simply) of no more than five pages. His viewpoint is somewhat different, with first, second and omniscient points of view. It works, so I may adopt that format.

Distractions – A High School classmate – 1962 Scarborough, Maine – came to visit.  Track … insensitivity of elected officials to needs of people … both Republicans and Democrats. His US Senator, Olympia Snowe, has said she won’t run again because system is broken.  And one percent own well over half of everything in the US.  I found out that ‘back in the day’ our little town had a whorehouse where apparently a few classmates worked.  There ought to be universal healthcare …

Moved one and a half tons of crushed rock to new patio area. Then the patio area was leveled, and pavers placed.

Have decided that a future series of detective novels deserve their own peculiar author. Watch for details as I put together the characters and storyline, and decide on a new pen name. As part of the research I’ll be attending parts of the 150^th Anniversary festivities in Spotsylvania for our local Civil War. The whole weekend of re-enactments takes place May 1-4 here in Spotsylvania County. I am looking forward to finding some of the African-American re-enactors (23rd USCT) so I can research a minor part of an upcoming book.

There will be suttlers, dancers, musicians, preachers ... and you can for $75/person 'dine' with Lee and Grant; descendants of both will be talking. Several sites offer glimpses (for the historian buried deep within you) - Wilderness and Spotsylvania Reenactment ; www.civilwar.org ;Fredericksburg & Spotsylvania National Military Park (U.S. National Park Service) ; andwww.virginiacivilwar.org . The first novel of that future series will be Payroll Deduction. 

I want to thank fans of the Tessera Trilogy and my novels … Golden Gate and Sooley Base, especially family members those who asked how and where to buy Sooley Base, or said they would buy Sooley Base.  Memories of early sales  – “I saw "Golden Gate" listed on Amazon, but not the new one - should it be there?” “How do I get a copy of your book?”  and  “It’s mine.”

Blog Post 118

Currently the very rough draft stands at 110 pages and 55K words. Based on prior experience it looks like the completed product is four months ahead of fall 2015 completion.

Critique of fourth segment of Kashan Kashmeeri

Rewrite incomplete opening sentence – agree; in process

Minor editorial suggestions – agree; in process

Change style of language used, make less direct – agree; in process

Revise to eliminate such early talk of marriage – agree; in process

Revise to have dialogue bring out feelings, vice questions – agree; in process

Have support character express her feelings and thoughts – agree; in process

Reduce use of lame language; feminize it  – agree; in process

Incorporate missing transition – agree; in process

Don’t ask multiple questions at once – disagree; in process

Revise wording of humorous expression – agree; in process

Develop and insert response to statement – agree; in process

Identify speaker –disagree; evident from flow of dialogue

Rewrite attempt at being clever – agree; in process

Minor word changes – agree; in process

Rewrite section dealing with results of kissing the Blarney Stone – agree; in process

Reword phrase ‘spinning a yarn’ – agree; in process

Snakes, probably the Eastern Garter family seen in a Facebook post last fall, are BACK!!! They’re harmless, so they stay. And the sole goldfish that was in the pond last fall … is still there, alive and well. It survived through a cold winter. It is amazing and mystifying.

Lots and lots of yard work distracts - Working to beautify the grounds, raking, composting, mowing in leaves. Trimming and picking up fallen branches. Mulching the yard with Boy Scout sold mulch, and in less prominent areas, compost mulch from our recycle center.

Am still doing family research via library version of Ancestry.com.